Tuesday, August 19, 2008

15 years ago today...

Kevin and I bought our first vacuum cleaner. You see, we were getting married in a month. We were moving into a house that his grandfather owned and we needed a sweeper.

After our big purchase, we went to his parent's house. As we pulled into the driveway, we noticed that they were waiting for us on their porch.

I remember thinking how odd that was.

Then my heart stopped.

And I knew.

She was gone.

I know his parents told me and tried to console me, but I don't remember it. I just remember that I had to get home.

When we pulled into my parent's driveway, my dad was there and said what I already knew.

I just couldn't believe it.

My mom had passed away.

She was tired of fighting, tired of living, tired deep in her soul.

My mom was a diabetic, not brought on by obesity, just an unlucky draw in life.

Fighting diabetes then wasn't like it is now. Her blood sugar level wasn't easily controlled at times. Many nights, my dad and I would wake up to my mom moaning (A sound I will never forget.) . We would check her sugar level and it would be in the teens.

So dangerously low. We would give her a shot and wait. Did it work? Did we need to get to the hospital? Finally, it would kick in. She would wake up and all of us would slowly go back to bed.

She had neuropathy in her fingers and feet. She had at least seven laser surgeries on her eyes to help her see. And she was on dialysis. That was the hardest. Three days a week, she would go for her treatment. On Mondays, she would come home exhausted. Wednesday and Friday, she would feel so great, only for time to work back to Monday and her exhaustion.

She was tired. And that morning 15 year ago, she prayed to God to take her home and he granted her wish.

So many other memories of that day flood my brain. My dad's face, my sister telling me what happened. Hearing how the EMTs came to our house only to have my dad meet them at the door to tell them that she was gone.

She missed my wedding and everything else that has happened in my adult life. And I have missed having my mom in the times of my life that I needed her most---my first years of marriage, the years of infertility, my years of parenting.

I miss her daily, especially when I look at Brynn and know she will never know my mom. She will never know her voice, never know the love she had as a grandma, never taste her chocolate chip cookies or berry dumplings.

We talk about her often, but it isn't the same.

15 years ago today, I bought my first sweeper and lost one of the most important people in my life.

15 years.


Juliette said...

So sorry.
Hugs to you...

kris said...

How intimately and close your pain is... how well I know it, and how much I wish time really did heal that wound. I know it doesn't. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Oh...I am crying. That was beyond beautiful and honest. Thank you for sharing it.

Cavatica said...

So sorry and vivid how these memories are tied. Thank you, as this is a beautiful, yet sad, post.

Rhonda said...

I'm so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

Dear friend,

I'm glad you have loved that deeply and I wish I could have met the woman who made you the wonderful person you are.


J said...

This post breaks my heart. I'm sorry you lost your mom too soon.

Kristi said...

It's having a mom like that that has made you the mom you are. What a tremendous gift she gave to you.


Vivian M said...

Your post made me cry. I am watching my Mom slip away and I know how helpless it feels. I am so sorry for your loss. Huge hugs.